Maple syrup sweetness and gut punch bitterness.

One month (and a bit) into this grand experiment of making-one’s-way-through-life-via-art and I feel great, and horrible. Maple syrup sweetness and gut punch bitterness. Crappy pieces of mail and wonderful friends. Not that these are sides of coins, or that I believe life is as simple as binary examples would imply. I just know that I am happy with my choices, and I dislike some of the side effects.

I’m in the middle of it, and I don’t know exactly where it is going.

Last year I gave myself various constraints.  Little boundaries which were designed to challenge and inspire me.  I began to increasingly mine my life and use my talents to create.  I had the time and space to do it.  It is a joy to dig down into me or into something (or both, please both) then rise out of that space with art.

Make something, which communicates something, to someone.

Those boundaries which provided a path and gave me comfort, have started to feel like they need to expand a little. Or possibly be erased, removed entirely. This safety net was important and valuable. The thing is, what felt like safety has started to feel like a thing I want to explore beyond.

Beyond.  I like that word.  I’m eager to be at the furthest side of, to be beyond.

I’m rambling now. I know, that is because I started writing this weeks ago. Depression and a few blizzards have taken not a small amount of my time lately. I still feel some of the bitter and the sweetness from before. However I’m now a little further beyond that point and can breath with some ease. Time and plans make for wonderful helpers. Once again grateful for friends, community.

This feels like a lesson, I could be taking notes.

My challenge right now is to make a routine that fits the life I want, and also affords me the financial security to feel abundance and to be generous. I’m having to learn (and unlearn) so much to make the life I want. Never was I taught to advocate for myself, advocate for my art. 

This is worthwhile. This is valuable and important work. It’s what I want to be doing right now.

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